Monday, August 24, 2009

Ever Wonder What Happened to the Old Ypsi Press Delivery Gang?

Hey, ever wonder what happened to the old gang who used to hang out on the Ypsi Press loading dock, bikes parked nearby, waiting for their papers?

Dusty D has just finished a three-month investigation, at her own expense, to track down these onetime Ypsi boys, and see how their early experiences as hard-working Press paperboys shaped the rest of their lives.

Their stories can now be told.

Although BIRK KLEINFELTER in this picture is folding a newspaper, he looks as though he's shaking a martini. In that, the picture is strangely prescient, since Birk went on to become a part-time bartender at the Sagging Hammock in Milan, Michigan. He attributes his success to his early Press exeriences. "If not for the Ypsilanti Press," Birk told this reporter, after making her one of his custom Dirty Elbows, "I'd be a nobody." Birk was the Sagging Hammock's Employee of the Month in October of 1992.

BRENT BRADFORD always did have a keen eye for money. Who can forget his hilarious stunt in middle school--"borrowing" the lunch money from the cafeteria cash register? How we laughed! And he wrote that beautiful poem afterwards about what he called his "vacation" in juvenile detention--it even rhymed. Brent's history is a bit blurry for a few years after his formative Press experiences and he won't discuss it--who knows what that scamp was up to--but he's recently surfaced in a pre-manufactured micro-estate homes community in the Thumb, where he breeds fighting pit bulls. A wordsmith since youth, perhaps he's working on a book of poetry about his handsome animals!

EUNICE SNORD was cut out to serve God from his earliest boyhood days. When other Ypsi kids were fishing for carp in the Huron, Eunice was watching "The 700 Club" and making plans. Big plans. Today he runs a successful religious business right from his own home down by the river! Eunice can mail you everything from magnetic rings dipped in Lourdes water to holy candles, ballpoint pens personally blessed by the Pope, and your own lucky lottery numbers. Of his early Press experiences, Eunice says, while lighting up an odd-looking cigarette, "I remember those days, I think."

GODFREY POMERANIAN leveraged his pivotal Press experiences into a lucrative career. Now second-in-charge of canapes on the Royal Malthusian Cruise lines, he has nowhere to go but up. "I run it all--the sardine plates, the lutefisk table, the carved walrus centerpiece. I don't actually carve it--you have to go to school for that. But I do arrange it, and I put those little paper things on the tusks there." When not plying the sunny waters between Greenland and Iceland, back and forth, Godfrey likes to stare vacantly off into space, or nap.

Godfrey never dreamed that his character-building experiences as a young Press delivery boy would result in such a glamourous career--but it did! Why don't you sign up your young'un for the kinds of boy-building, healthy, uplifting experiences that the "old gang" has benefited from? Remember, "The Ypsi Press Delivers!"


Fritz said...

Wow! I haven't seen that psychedelic curly font in decades. Oddly, it brings back memories of old elementary school text books. :-)

Dusty D said...

Yessir, that's from the July 5, 1978 Press.

And I agree...when the stodgy phrase "The Elements of Success" is spelled out in swirly funk-font, it's a tad weird.

Lisele said...

You are hilarious, DD. Glad to know they are all doing well today.

Dusty D said...

It's all good--all 4 guys are at or near the pinnacle of their careers. Thanks to the Press!

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