Friday, January 8, 2010

May I Suggest Blended Squirrel?

Sore fingers. Penetrating pain. Stiff joints. Reader, haven't you put up with enough? You deserve better. Chuck those soggy old mittens out and treat yourself to a nice new muff.

Less ethical merchants we could name, but, out of innate decency, will not, may offer you muffs that are uneven, patchy, deciduous, exfoliated, mangy, or simply poorly lined. This is not the sort of muff someone with your standing in the community should show in public. Think of the humiliation.

No, your tastefulness and gentility deserve more. Some persons choose opossum for their muff. We feel that marsupials are beneath you. Others pick fox or ermine. We don't find it becoming to flaunt one's wealth so crassly. None of these are suitable for you.

May we humbly beg to tender a suggestion? Have you considered squirrel? This elusive and rare animal has a pelt so warm and rich it puts other warm and rich pelts to shame. But wait--before you answer, we'll go one step further. We will not only equip and dispatch our squirrel-man, at enormous expense, to track down and locate several specimens of these rarely-seen creatures for you. We will then select only the best specimens, and then artfully blend said squirrels into a product we call Blended Squirrel. Our finest.

Demand nothing less that a lovely new muff of Blended Squirrel.


cmadler said...

When I saw the title of this post in my RSS feed reader, I thought it had something to do with food. What can I say, I grew up in Kentucky!

Dusty D said...

Possibly some crafty writer wrote the headline on purpose that way, knowing it would show up in RSS feeds (diabolical chuckle).

There's a Youtube vid out there about a gal preparing poached squirrel; 99% of the comments are "euwww!" but hey, it's thrifty and it's wild game; I'd try it!