Friday, July 31, 2009

I Never Would Have Married You If It Weren't for Parker's Hair Balsam

And now, a message from Dusty Diary's corporate sponsor: PARKER'S HAIR BALSAM.

Readers, Dusty Diary here. Do you have thinning, brittle, or lackadaisical hair? Do you look in the mirror and sigh? Is it pallid, squalid, putrid, torpid, or tepid? Are you distracted? Feel inadequate? Not as hirsute as other men? Like to be as shaggy as a buffalo? You need PARKER'S HAIR BALSAM.

Don't take my word for it. Just read for yourself what a Methodist Minister in Blissfield, Michigan has to say: "I was getting very gray, and when I began to use the Balsam my hair resumed its original color--a dark brown. Was afraid it might make my head ache, but it did not."

Of course not. The beneficial vegetable blend in PARKER'S HAIR BALSAM is gentle and bears a sweet perfume. Merely spread our compound of water hemlock, angel's trumpet, and soothing pine resin thickly on the scalp (hats not advised). In just days, you'll have all sorts of stuff up there. Remember: PARKER'S HAIR BALSAM. Available at all Ypsilanti druggists.


Fritz said...

I like the tiny "OVER"... very small in the lower right hand corner on the front of the card. The chances of seeing it seem much lower than just looking at the back of the card out of idle curiosity.

Dusty D said...

That's the kind of razor-sharp observation you'd expect from a regular user of PARKER'S HAIR BALSAM.

Sharpens the senses, imparts shine to the scalp, and gently washes away the effects of youthful vice.

James said...

Dear Dusty D,

I have a full head of hair, and would like to keep it that way. Do I need PARKER'S HAIR BALSAM?

Dusty D said...

Dear James: Not every man is as smart as to inquire about pre-emptive preservation of the hair. You sound like the kind of astute, sharp-witted man who typically uses PARKER'S HAIR BALSAM.

Yes, the BALSAM's healing blend will definitely preserve your hair. Its pine resin base will gently yet effectively cement your hairs into place, permanently.

Also, the BALSAM's delectable yet manly fragrance will have the ladies swooning--swooning even more than they usually swoon at the sight of you.

Available at Ypsilanti druggists.

Matthew said...

To the Purveyor of PARKER'S HAIR BALSAM,

I would like to express my dismay at discovering, after walking 15 miles in the bitter cold to obtain this product from your establishment, that the price was not FIFTY CENTS as suggested by the bold print in your advertisement card, but FIFTY CENTS AND $1.

You see, I brought exactly Fifty Cents and could not afford PARKER'S HAIR BALSAM; I dejectedly purchased my heart medicine instead. I was greatly looking forward to a shiny scalp for the weekend.

I expect less deception from my clergy-endorsed hair products.

- Disappointed Patron

Dusty D said...

Readers: Kindly pay no attention to this "Matthew." Dusty Diary has good information that "Matthew" is really an agent for MANN'S OLIVE POMACE--that vile substance said to have caused widespread baldness in the Catskills region among men, women, and even helpless infants.

PARKER'S HAIR BALSAM does not stoop to the tactics of the individuals backing MANN'S OLIVE POMACE. You can use our BALSAM with every confidence that it is created, bottled, and sold by men of pure character, white teeth, and Christian tendencies.

Available at all Ypsilanti druggists.